Forwarded Message Follows
Winston's editorial note:
Some of our actor and writer friends have been making some income on the side
recording answering machine messages. They claim the ones they sent us are actual
messages on real people's machines.
WE ARE THE BORG. RESISTANCE
IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we're not home right now. So leave
a message at the tone, and we'll assimilate you later.
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak
very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for
repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done...(Cachunk!)
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything
you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air.
Hello, you're caller number nine!
(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait
for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound,
press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want
to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension
4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and
the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice,
talk loud and (BEEP)
E'llo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave your name and number,
and prepare to die.
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and
number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you
are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave
a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will
get back to you.
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking
to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving
my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test
1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ... BEEP
(Rod Sterling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without
time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost
up ahead-this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached,
"The Twilight Phone".
Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your
touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone
phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now.
All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work
off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.
(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...
Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?
Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment
is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... Bear a... er...Shalt not witness thy...
uh... Neighbor's, Oh, I mean, false... er...Shalt not commit a bear... Dern...
This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This
is only a test.
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone
now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing
this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW,
like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
(Recorded directly from AT&T:) We're sorry, but the number you dialed is disconnected
or no longer in service.
Hi, you've reached 340-2359. We're not peeb eht retfa egassem ruoy evael esaelp
os ,won thgir emoh. gnillac rof uoy knahT.
The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477.
Please make a note of it.
You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are
now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our
computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands
of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation.
However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near
future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your
schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank
(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.
You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the
Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.
Hello, this is Sid. I've got a puppy in one hand and a Smith & Wesson .38 in
the other. Leave a message or the puppy gets it.
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name
and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because
we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and
I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're
done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here.
So leave a message.
Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If
you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution,
you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If
you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone
rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with
Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he
make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain.
The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message,
and if I don't call back, it's you.