DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener and to read the directions carefully
before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes
in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz.
each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although
a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
Mac Beer: At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now
comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans
look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients
list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are
told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag
your empties to the trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes in
a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own
a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously,
but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly
if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently
no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to
drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer
simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode
when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone
drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturer)
claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer: A lot of people have taste-tested
it and claim it's more suds than beer. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's
can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when
you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will
probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95
Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small
print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though
the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can
only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and
buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but
the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's.
Touted as an "industrial strength" beer and suggested only for use in bars.
UNIX Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans
ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty,
even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical.
Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to
have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either
need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix
Beer for several years.
MVS Beer: An early product from International Beer
Manufacturer. Comes in a odd 31-oz. can that has multiple ring pulls thus
allowing the amusing trick of several people trying to drink from the same
can at once. Some people believe the cans to be haunted saying that whenever
they aren't watching the cans they fall over. A sophisticated drinker might
be let down by the contents - this kind of beer has unexpected nasty stuff
floating in it.