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Cat Bathing as a Martial Art
Some
people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean.
They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like
new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.
I've spent most of my life believing this folklore.
Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary,
the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling
to the throw rug by the fireplace.
The time comes, however, when a man must face reality:
when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary
and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."
When that day arrives at your house, as it has in
mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under
your arm and head for the bathtub:
Know that although the cat has the advantage of
quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.
Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe
him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom.
If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend you get in the tub
with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a
shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply
rubber shower curtain quicker than apolitician can shift positions.)
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate
to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart
and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked
into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet,
a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
Prepare everything in advance. There is no time
to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket.
Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure.
Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the
water.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly,
as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your
strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does
notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing
experiment for J.C. Penney.)
Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential
to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the
tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt
him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has
soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to
him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however,
you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll
then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The
national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers
always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn
out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the
drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by
now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain
plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the
cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the
best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.)
After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach
down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed
from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will
spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic
and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This
isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your
defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.
* - But at least
now he smells a lot better. - *