Forwarded Message Follows
Horror Movie Survival Tips
1. Avoid any camp named
Crystal Lake or Sleepaway.
2. If you are a counselor, avoid picking on shy kids, they do get revenge.
3. If you are a campee, befriend the shy loner types, they need the companionship.
4. Overly friendly counselors may be recent asylum escapees.
5. Make sure they put away all knives, arrows and other potential weapons.
6. If you have sex in the woods, you will die in the woods.
7. Campfire legends always come back to haunt you.
8. If you encounter any figure wearing a hockey mask, you're a goner!
9. Don't go scurrying in the counselors cabin, you may discover a secret hobby.
10. If you happen to survive the carnage, don't appear in a sequel, you will
be offed in the first few minutes.
1. Most of the students
are always way too stupid to be in college.
2. The big time jocks are always the first to go, so brawn does not matter.
3. If you are a blonde with big breasts, don't get naked or you're a goner.
4. Never go exploring in that creepy deserted building.
5. Avoid any college with asylums or prisons near by.
6. Stick with the brainy wallflower, she usually ends up surviving.
7. Never take a shower if you have seen dead bodies, even if you are covered
8. If there is a medical school nearby, avoid the morgue.
9. If you are in a Frat or Sorority, beware of any recently rejected pledges,
especially if they were released from a nearby asylum.
10. Having sex or necking in the dorm is a sure fire way to die.
11. Never stay in the dorms during extended holidays.
If You Are The Murdering Killer Type
1. You can only do your
killing on a holiday.
2. Guns are never to be used, so go raid a hardware store or local barn.
3. If you are disfigured or have a limp, even better!
4. When chasing women through the woods, soon enough they will trip and fall.
5. If you are an only child, you won't be if there is a sequel.
6. Always use a mask, even if Halloween is months away.
7. Always avoid bitter, disgruntled cops that put you away once before.
8. Don't worry about getting killed by the guys, you will always win.
9. Remember to cut all phone lines and other forms of reaching help.
10. If you are a woman, you will die at the end. No female-killer ever seems
11. Keep in mind that you are most likely invincible but try not to talk,
if you do then you must always crack jokes.
1. If you happen to wander
onto any abandoned facilities, do so at your risk.
2. Any container or package put away by the Army is almost always harmful.
3. If you happen to see any men wearing white environment suits, PRAY!
4. If you happen to meet any men wearing dark suits and dark glasses at night,
they are probably not part of any government agency on Earth.
5. Any virus or biological agent released has no known cure.
6. If you see any large unmarked vehicles in a convoy, get out of town!
7. If you are being attacked by zombies, the government will nuke you.
8. Government issued containers or items will break down or fail.
9. If you live near a lake, it will get contaminated.
10. Remember they will deny everything! Take a hint from Agent Fox Muhlder
and Trust No One!
1. If you ever see anyone
walking that you know is dead, they are a ZOMBIE!
2. If you ever get bitten by a zombie, you will soon become one.
3. Remember that a well placed gunshot in the head usually does the trick.
4. Zombies love brains.
5. Never walk in a stagger or you might be mistaken for a zombie and get shot.
6. If a loved one is killed by a zombie, burn them quickly.
7. Never try to outrun a zombie, they somehow always manage to catch you.
8. If they are Redneck Zombies, give them some moonshine.
9. Never piss off a Haitian Medicine man or you will become a zombie.
10. Never use fire to ward off zombies as it will usually burn out.
1. Never read anything
called The Book of the Dead, The Necronomicon, The Satanic Bible or play with
weird puzzle boxes, Quija boards or an other device that summons the dead
or evil. They tend to be both!
2. Never name your child Damien.
3. If your child spits up green vomit and has a head spinning complex, call
4. Never promise your first born to any weird group, they will come to pick
5. If you happen to wander upon a gathering of robed people with pentagrams
on the floor, walk away as fast as you can.
6. Never give your blood or volunteer to give any bodily fluid.
7. Demons seem to be impervious to bullets, unless your name is Ash.
8. Summoning spirits during a seance usually brings really cranky, angry ghosts.
9. Evil looking fluids buried under churches should stay there.
10. Never sign a deal with the devil, he is worse then any record club about
Bimbos, Babes and Sluts!
1. If a Playboy or Penthouse
centerfold model appears, more then likely she is the villain and a vampire.
2. The most stuck up and bitchy cheerleader gets it first. But first she must
3. When you confront a potential intruder, a fireplace poker is usually not
going to stop a Jason or Freddy type killer.
4. If you are plain a Jane or just plain ugly, you are not usually important
to the plot.
5. Babes are never meant to survive, unless they are being saved to become
the killers woman.
6. Bimbos are more likely to enter a creepy looking building or suggest that
a well armed group break up.
7. Woman should never get naked or go skinny dipping, it usually draws the
killer to you.
8. The likelihood of a bimbo becoming a hero is in direct relation to the
release of Aliens. Before not likely, after hell yah!
9. When showing a Women in Prison movie, they are must be dressed in the latest
from Frederick's and Victoria's Kinky Secret.
10. If the babe is meant to be the hero from the start, its because she is
related to the killer. That's a hard fast definite.
11. When a babe gets killed, somehow she has to get topless so you can look
at her breasts before she dies.
1. If you happen to get
a strange message and decipher it, beware of eminent Invasion.
2. If you happen to find a derelict ship of unknown origin, send in robots.
3. Never get close to anything that resembles an egg, hive or pod.
4. If your friend behaves rather strangely, they may be under alien influence.
5. Never try to get in contact with a hostile entity, whatever higher intelligence
they possess, they ain't telling you!
6. Alien machines can lay dormant for thousands of years.
7. Flying saucers can outrun anything built by man.
8. Make sure when you abandon ship that the escape craft only contains those
you wish to save.
9. If you happen to have nuclear or fusion weapons at hand. USE THEM!
10. Never trust a company spokesman, they usually want to screw you in exchange
for the xenomorph.