Q. My shift keys have
little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above
them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?
A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look
up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and
quit staring at your fingers.
Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?
A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this
feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen
Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something
naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In
Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer,
but don't say I didn't warn you.
Q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters
and punctuation
A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps
your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe
you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also consider
replacing punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with lower
case expressions; replace ? with "huh" and ! with "zowie".
Q> I PRESSED SHIFT AND IT"S STUCK DOWN NOW>
A. Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard frequently?
If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation. First, disconnect
your keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you
can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly with your
favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool.
Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a handheld
blowdryer, or place it it the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure
to clean the lint screen when you are finished.
Q. Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys
labelled "hif"?
A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your
hands more frequently for that matter.
Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?
A. Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labelled
with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift,
and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with
all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it.
Q. I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters.
Is there any other way to do this?
A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate
the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your
computer is equippped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word
"shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard
closely to see if the Shift key moves down.Note that you may have to repeat
this action several times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice
before the feature works reliably.
Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?
A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two.
Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts.
Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to
make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember,
it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.
Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?
A. They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears
much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because
of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field
at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it
from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!
Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my
computer explode?
A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or vt100
terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about
it.
Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.
Q. No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn't seem to work. What's wrong?
A. Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard, the
problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation of these
keys to send you a Message that you have strayed from the path of righteousness.
Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your life.