Winton's Note: This was passed on by one of our songwriter friends.

Forwarded Message Follows -------
Do-it-Yourself Country & Western Song Kit

  I met her [1] [2].  I can still recall [3] she wore.

1.                  2.                    3.
on the highway      in September          that purple dress
in Sheboygan        at McDonald's         that little hat
outside Fresno      ridin' shotgun        that burlap bra
at a truck stop     wrestlin' gators      those training pants
on probation        all hunched over      the stolen goods
in a jail cell      poppin' uppers        that plastic nose
in a nightmare      sort of pregnant      the Stassin pin
incognito           stoned on oatmeal     that creepy smile
in a treehouse      with Merv Griffin     the hearing aid
in a gay bar        dead all over         the boxer shorts

 She was [4] [5].

 4.                               5
 sobbin' at the toll booth        in the twilight
 drinkin' Dr. Pepper              but I loved her
 weighted down with Twinkies      by the off-ramp
 breakin' out with acne           near Poughkeepsie
 crawlin' through the prairie     with her cobra
 smellin' kind of funny           when she shot me
 crashin' through the guardrail   on her elbows
 chewin' on a hangnail            with Led-Zeppelin
 talkin' in Swahili               with Miss Piggy
 drownin' in the quicksand        with a wetback
 slurpin' up linguini             in her muu-muu

 and I knew [6]; [7] I'd [8] forever;

6.                                    7.                     8.
no guy would ever love her more       I promised her         stay with her
that she would be an easy score       I knew deep down       warp her mind
she'd bought her dentures in a store  She asked me if        swear off booze
that she would be a crashing bore     I told her shrink      change my sex
I'd never rate her more than "4"      The judge declared     punch her out
they'd hate her guts in Baltimore     My Pooh Bear said      live off her
it was a raven, nothing more          I shrieked in pain     have my rash
we really lost the last World War     The painters knew      stay a dwarf
I'd have to scrape her off the floor  A Klingon said         hate her dog
what strong deodorants were for       My hamster thought     pick my nose
that she was rotten to the core       The blood test showed  play "Go Fish"
that I would upchuck on the floor     Her rabbi said         salivate

She said to me [9]; But who'd have thought she'd [10] [11];

9.                           10.          11.
our love would never die     run off      with my best friend
there was no other guy       wind up      in my Edsel
man wasn't meant to fly      boogie       on a surfboard
that Nixon didn't lie        yodel        on "The Gong Show"
her basset hound was shy     sky dive     with her dentist
that Rolaids made her high   turn green   on her "WorkMate"
she'd have a swiss on rye    freak out    with a robot
she loved my one blue eye    blast off    with no clothes on
her brother's name was Hy    make it      at her health club
she liked "Spy vs. Spy"      black out    in a Maytag
that birthdays made her cry  bobsled      with her guru
she couldn't stand my tie    grovel       while in labor

[12] goodbye.

You'd think at least that she'd have said
I never had the chance to say
She told her fat friend Grace to say
I now can kiss my credit cards
I guess I was too smashed to say
I watched her melt away and sobbed
She fell beneath the wheels and cried
She sent a hired thug to say
She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
I pushed her off the bridge and waved
But that's the way that pygmies say
She sealed me in the vault and smirked